I Hope it Keeps Up...

Fleeting

I feel the need to preface this post with an apology for not having posted anything on this blog since last July. For a while I really wasn't inspired to write anything, or maybe it was just that I didn't feel like sharing. I don't know. I even thought maybe I would call it a day with this blog. That changed on Sunday night when I HAD to write about what I was feeling, and I only decided today that I wanted to post it. So here ya go.

Today was one of those days as a mom that I wish I could have bottled and saved so that I could open it up later in my life when I need it the most. It wasn't all that remarkable for any particular reason, but when I was putting Lena to bed tonight I realized I was truly sad to be leaving her for 12 hours, even though we would both be sleeping just down the hall from one another. Most nights when I put her to bed, i'm happy to have a few hours to myself to decompress and have some kid-free time. But tonight I was just filled up with love for this little person that I thought I might lose it. I closed the door to her room and felt like crying for all that I would lose in the future, and laughing at the sheer joy of getting to be her mom, and punching the wall with anger that none of it would last. And God, that's such a sad way of looking at it, but only parenthood can open your eyes to how fleeting these moments are. A smile in the sunlight is suddenly a door slamming in your face; a cuddle on the couch before bed turns into a broken curfew and watching for headlights coming down the street. When I first found out I was having a girl, I was honestly terrified. Because my brain fast forwarded to her teenage years, and then I remembered my own teenage years, and not only did I not want her to have to deal with the angst I did, but I had no idea how I would be a good mom to a teenage girl, STILL not knowing the answers to a lot of the questions I had back then.  But now that Lena is almost 2, my whole perspective on having a daughter has changed. I am painfully aware that it wasn't the teen years I should have feared---it was the childhood years passing by before I could register that they had happened.

Part of me wants to write down the events of today so that I can remember them perfectly later, but it wasn't anything of consequence, really. Just a gorgeous, cloudless day, and a kid that loves bubbles and nature and running like she could do it forever. And an hour of pure bliss with my daughter in my arms, contentedly watching her favorite cartoon while I stroked her soft, honey-colored hair, her head tilting up to look at me every so often, just to make sure I was still there. I'm sure my specific memories of this day will eventually fade, so what I choose to never forget about today is how fiercely and purely I love this girl.  Mommy's Baby.

The Way They Would Have Wanted It

Often times, when a nearby relative comes to visit us, they comment on the renovations we've done to the house, and ask me what I think my grandparents would have thought about the changes we made. In all honestly, it's nearly impossible for me to answer that question. But here's what I do think about.

My daughter Lena (their great-grandaugter) eats all her meals by the picture window in the kitchen where they used to eat their meals together, every day. And every morning she looks out that same window at all the wildlife that my grandpa used to love to nurture, and she already seems to appreciate it in the same way.

My parents look after Lena here during the day while my husband and I work, just like my grandparents did for me. They get to watch her grow and learn and explore this house, just as I did when I was little. I see Lena's grandparents adore her and shower her with as much love as is humanly possible, and it fills this house with joy on a daily basis.

We now sleep as a family in the same bedroom that my grandmother took her last breath in. Although that may seem creepy to some, to me, it is a sign that life continues in all it's cyclical, poetic beauty.

I always knew my grandparents wanted me to live in this house someday. They told me so ever since I was old enough to understand. But I never knew why it was so important to them until now. But now, I get it. It hit me like a ton of bricks recently, because I realized that I now have the life they always wanted for me. 

So yes, everything in this house is the way they would have wanted it.

What I've Been Up To

I must apologize for the month-long blog absence. The last few weeks have just been bonkers for me. I feel like I have had maybe 2 hours total to myself, which is probably equal to the cumulative number of minutes i've spent in the shower during the past month. So, here's what's been going on in my world. 

My friend Alicia came to visit for a week and the day after she arrived, we "ran" the 5K together. Remember all the fuss I made about running the 5K, and training really hard and being a bad-ass?  Yeah, well, that plan kind of didn't work out. This winter was a bitch and I couldn't really get outside to run like I wanted to, and I don't have a treadmill, and, oh yeah, I have a BABY and all of those factors put together did not equal a regimented training schedule. I exercised when I could, but I honestly did not feel prepared when the time came, and I kind of freaked out about it. And it also turned out that my husband couldn't watch the baby during the time we were scheduled to run, so we took her with us to the run and I didn't have a jogging stroller so anything over a slow jog was too much for it to handle.  So we ran a little bit, but ultimately ended up walking at a brisk pace the whole time. It was a gorgeous day and Lena enjoyed it immensely and it was by the beach and I was with one of my closest friends, so I can't complain. I admit, I felt kind of like a giant failure for not following through on the training plans i'd made, but we ended up finishing the race in under 45 minutes, so it was still an accomplishment and i'm going to say i'm proud of us and leave it at that. 

After the race, looking our VERY best.

During that week that Alicia was here, we spent a good deal of time planning Lena's 1st birthday party. If you head on over to Food Lush you can read all about our cake adventures, which turned out to be a rousing success. And honestly? If Alicia hadn't been here i'm almost certain there would have been a sobbing, hysterical, last minute grocery store run to buy an already made-cake. Alicia brought a ton of adorable decorations and seriously helped make the party a wonderful success. The birthday girl had a blast, and loved the attention. She also got a giant stuffed lion the size of a golden retriever from her mom and dad. We couldn't resist. She hugs it and loves on it something fierce, and every time she sees it she says, "ROAR!"

About a DAY before the party, our 15-by-15 foot stone patio in our backyard was completed, and it is definitely an improvement over the giant mud pit that used to be there.

We also treated ourselves to a full landscaping makeover, which made our property look SO nice and now we're not "those" people on the street anymore.  You know, the one house that brings down everyone else's property value simply by having unmowed grass and unwieldly shrubs. Oh and right about now is when the dogwood trees in our front yard start blooming and the azaleas begin busting out and I wish it was May all year long.

Hmm, what else happened? A friend of mine from high school and his wife had their first child, a boy! And some other friends of mine in Virginia had their first child, a girl! And some other friends of mine are expecting their first child any day now, a yet-to-be-discovered gender! Babies everywhere, man. And I just found out last night that one of my very close friends is buying a house only 20 minutes from where we live, which means lots of good times ahead with him and his wife and adorable little boy. So i'm super psyched about that.

Oh yeah, and did I mention my daughter turned A YEAR OLD??? What the....? How the hell....? Argh.

Lamenting the Distance

I've really been missing my best friend lately. I mean, I miss her all the time, but for reasons I am about to explain, I desperately miss her these days. If you don't know our history, here it is. We met in pre-school, yes PRE-SCHOOL, over 30 years ago, and our storied friendship was born. My grandparents house (now my house) was just a walk through the woods to her house, and we spent every possible moment with each other from the age of 3 until the age of 8, when we were tragically ripped apart by her dad's new career opportunity on the other side of the country. She moved to CA, I stayed in CT, and despite all the odds against us remaining friends, our friendship grew stronger and deeper over the years. We visited each other as often as we could. In fact, my first solo plane ride at the age of 9 was to visit her (and bonus! first trip to Disneyland). There were random back and forth visits during our middle school/high school years, and then for almost two glorious years in college we were only separated by a few miles on the Mass Pike. But then she transferred back to school in Cali, only to reunite with me 2 years later in London for 8 months of debauchery after college. In fact, we shared a room and it was like, well, sharing a room with your best friend. We gossiped and laughed until we cried. We nursed each other's hangovers and heartbreaks. We made up for the near 20 years of being separated by savoring practically every second we had together.

And although that period of our lives doesn't seem that long ago, it's been over 10 years since we've been able to spend an extended amount of time together. Since then, we've both fallen in love and gotten married (participating in each other's weddings, of course). I gave birth to a little girl last May, and now SHE is expecting her first child in late August. It just seems so wrong that we can't be near each other to share in these experiences, though. Sometimes it physically pains me that I can't see her growing belly in person, and that I can't hug her when she is having a particularly tough preggo day. In fact, I think I cried more when I found out SHE was pregnant than when I first found out I was having a baby of my own. But I wish wish wish more than anything that I could just call her up and say, "Hey, Jo, let's go grab a decaf and talk about your weird cravings and ligament pain." But alas, we have to talk over the phone or by text, and it's just not the same. There is something so bittersweet about experiencing all of these life moments together, but from a distance. On one hand, every time we talk, or send a letter or a special gift to each other, it is a reminder of how much she means to me and how incredibly lucky and blessed I am to still have her in my life. But then there's the fact that I can't just put my arm around her shoulder whenever I want to, and tell her to her face how much I love her and what a great mom she's going to be. This fact creates a lump in my throat that takes a while to dissolve. 

So, I guess not only is this a lamentation of what seems so far away from me right now, but it is also a little love letter to my bestie. The one girl who knows most of what there is to know about me. HOBART! (sorry guys, private joke from 25 years ago.)

And my little Lena Jo will always know how special it is to be named after her momma's best friend.

{Johanna and Nora circa 1982(?) in Westport, CT}

{Johanna and Nora on January 12, 1999 on the London Tube}

{Nora and Jo, New Year's Eve 2005 in Los Angeles}

Before and After

Remember my kitchen before the backsplash? 

Remember how much I talked about it on Twitter and Facebook and then stopped talking about it abruptly? It's because i've pretty much been sitting in my kitchen staring at it since it was completed.

I went against my initial plans to get a lighter, sand colored glass tile and went with the tile I fell in love with as soon as I walked in the store. It's hard to tell from this photo, but it's a dark brick color. I hesitated with it only because I was afraid it wouldn't match my red KitchenAid mixer and other red kitchen accessories, but in the end it was an unfounded fear. I LOVE the way it looks. And now, I can actually say that my kitchen is FINISHED (except for some window treatments, but that doesn't count, in my opinion). And if you mention anything about the missing knob on the right hand cabinet above the microwave, I will kick you in the shins. Seriously. Don't ask.

Unfinished (kitchen) Business

In case you were unaware (even though I talk/write about it on a regular basis), when we moved into this house almost 3 years ago we did a complete rehaul of the kitchen. Every nook and cranny of it was put into place based on my wants and desires. And until now, the only unfinished part of it has been the tile backsplash. That, my friends, will change in the very near future.

My husband has been working insane hours lately, and it has taken a toll on both of us. He feels guilty, I feel exhausted and lonely, and it's just been...no fun. Even though i've told him repeatedly that he doesn't need to "make it up to me", he insisted. And in a gesture I can only describe as utterly romantic, he said he was finally going to buy the tile backsplash i've been talking about for the last 2.5 years.

Tomorrow we are planning to go look at some tile and hopefully make an appointment to get it installed. However, even though I have wanted this for so long, i've had a few ideas in my head in terms of what kind of tile we should get. And now that the moment is here, I feel....unsure. I love glass tile, but I don't know what color to get based on the design scheme of my kitchen. I want something that's not too BLAM! in-your-face, but rather something that works well with the kitchen colors and is not too high maintenance. I'm hoping when we go check out our options tomorrow that something will just appear to me with angels singing and an unmistakeable light shining down on it, but just in case, what would you suggest?  Here's a photo of the current set up and one of the walls that will be getting the tile treatment.

So, friends, what do you think? I think anything red will be too much, but I definitely want a solid color (not embellishments or patterned tile). I'm a fan of subway tile, but I don't know...do you think that would be a good shape and match for this decor? In other words, HELP!

Laundry Room Makeover: Before photos

This is my laundry room (closet, really).

What? You want to see it with the cabinets open? Well, okay. If you insist. Don't judge me.

Oh, so now you want a closer up shot? But i'm too embarrassed. Okay, you don't have to yell.  Here it is.

 Notice I left the large clump of dryer lint right there for your viewing pleasure. I don't want to mislead you into thinking I am more neat and organized than I actually am. But I have big intentions, people. I'm tired of having all of my laundry acoutrements on top of my dryer. I'm tired of looking at that naked light switch. I'm tired of having Woolite from 1978 taking up space in that otherwise useless cabinet. I realize how lucky I am to even have my own washer/dryer, much less a space in which to house them. Therefore, I am not going to take this fact for granted anymore, and i'm going to give this space the love and attention it deserves.

Also, I need to let you all know something weird about me. I LOVE doing laundry. Folding clean clothes is equivalent to meditation for me. There is something about the smell, feel, and look of clean fabrics that makes me unreasonably happy. And if you're one of those people who hates doing laundry and would like to pay me to do yours for you, e-mail me and we'll work something out. 

Anyway, I already have some preliminary ideas about what I want to do. It involves painting the cabinets, purchasing a door mounted storage system, and for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY FINALLY BUYING A LIGHT SWITCH COVER. I might also mention, in the interest of full disclosure, that there are a few...ahem...holes in the walls that are not visible in these photos. Actually, there's a rather large one behind that piece of cardboard in the third photo. Getting these fixed is part of the overall plan. I am hoping to be able to do that myself, but we'll see. 

Dear readers, if you have any advice, ideas, or suggestions for organizational items to purchase, i'm all ears. Right now i'm all about this website and am planning to drop some serious cash on them.

Welcome to my Pity Party. Care for a Drink?

So here I am, sitting home alone, my baby girl upstairs asleep (for the moment), while my husband has been put up in a hotel 15 minutes away so that he can easily get to his office in the morning to work on some ridiculous time-sensitive project that I really don't understand or care about. All I care about is that a blizzard is about to hit us in Connecticut, and right now they're predicting 18-24 inches for our area which means I will not be leaving the house for the next few days, and who knows when my husband will be able to make it back home again. He came home from work for about 30 minutes this evening to pack up some clothes, grab some dinner and kiss his family, and he's gone again. I know this project will only last a few weeks and then hopefully things will get better, but right now I miss him and I feel lonely, so what's a girl to do except blog, blog blog. Because if I don't blog, I will snack, and thus sabotage my hopes at winning Biggest Blogging Loser (BBL). And if this next few weeks will teach me anything, it's that I need to win $1,500 so that I can rent a house on a beach somewhere this summer where neither of us will have to even THINK about work. Also? Being an adult SUCKS sometimes.

Anyway, while i'm thinking about it, my first week of BBL went really well. I limited my portion sizes and ate much, much healthier, and ended up losing almost 4 pounds in the first week.  The eating better was fairly easy, but I had intentions to exercise every night and that didn't even come close to happening. On Monday, I did 25 minutes on the elliptical machine. On Tuesday, I did 10 minutes and was then interrupted by a crying baby who would not be comforted by her daddy so I had to intervene and thus cancel my exercising plans for that evening. And....that's it. The rest of the week was too hectic and my husband didn't get home until pretty late every night and I couldn't summon the energy after 8:00 PM to work out. I just couldn't. I sort of feel like a failure in that regard, but it wasn't happening. I'm honestly getting a little worried at my aspirations to run a 5K. How am I going to do that if I can't find time to train adequately? I am hoping that once the spring comes I won't have such a problem, but right now i'm admittedly discouraged. And as i'm sitting here writing this, I am thinking that I could be taking advantage of the fact that the baby is asleep and do some Wii Fit or put in a workout DVD, but then if the baby wakes up it will all get shot to hell anyway. These are all excuses, I know. I think part of my problem is that i'm feeling overwhelmed and lonely and generally kind of bummed out (or maybe it's Seasonal Affective Disorder). So instead I sit here sipping some red wine (empty calories) and blathering away in my journal on my blog. Cheers.

On a positive note, i'm planning a post in the near future that will be much more interesting and upbeat. A Martha Stewart--inspired Laundry Closet Re-Do, complete with before and after photos! That is, if I am ever able to dig myself out from two feet of snow to get to Target to purchase necessary Laundry Closet makeover items. Woe is me.

What's the Big Freakin' Deal?

Okay, SO glad that the ridiculous New Year's Eve hoopla is officially over. Seriously, I hate that "holiday". I will never understand why people make such a big deal about the stupid ball dropping and kissing someone at midnight and having all these grand expectations for the night being a reflection of the rest of the year. I'm such a cranky grinch about it, and I don't know why. This year I ate a filet mignon, drank a glass of red wine, and went to bed at 10:30. And I have no regrets about it at all, so NYAH.

Before you start scolding me (or agreeing with me, which, if you do, virtual high five), just know that I LOVE the clean slate that IS the new year. The endless possibilities and opportunities for list making just give me the happy shivers. Although I'm not really a resolution type of girl, I have set out a few goals for myself and my life this year.  They are as follows, in no particular order:

1) Finally get the tile back splash in the kitchen installed

2) Spend a family-only week on Cape Cod

3) Hang out with more mommies

4) Run a 5K

Let me expand on number 4. I know a lot of people's goals for the new year involve exercising more and eating healthier and all that, but this is a big one for me. I am NOT a runner. In fact, I loathe running, and believe the very activity was invented by the devil himself. However, for some reason I have it in my head that I need to do this in order to prove something to myself. I'm either a glutton for punishment or something about having a daughter and being a good role model for her may have influenced this decision. Anyway, in order to accomplish this goal, i've joined the 2011 Biggest Blogging Loser competition, started by my blogging friend Jennie and Editor of Food Lush (the other, much more awesome blog for which I write). Basically a whole bunch of people put 20 bucks in the communal pot, commit to a 12-week program of diet and exercise of their choosing, and weigh in every week (you gotta take a photo of your scale at each weigh in, so you can't really cheat). Then, at the end of the competition, the top "loser" gets 70% of the pot, and the second loser gets 30%. And make no joke about this: right now the pot is almost up to $1,500, so there's definitely incentive. I'm just hoping that along with my drive to run a 5K in the spring/summer, and to lose some weight in the process, it will be enough to light a fire under my butt to stay on track and keep up my regimen during that time. I've decided that if I do win the money, it's going to go right towards our intended family vacay on the Cape. More incentive! YEEHAW.  I will try to post regularly about my progress and obstacles and other interesting tidbits about my 5K quest. Seriously, if I do this it will be a huge accomplishment for me, so I appreciate the support any way I can get it.

Also, I went shopping today and filled my cart with lots of healthy stuff and DUDE? Why does it cost so much to eat really healthy? It truly baffles me. Stupid cheap high fructose corn syrup. I don't have any particular diet plan in mind, but i've made a conscious effort to plan healthy meals, and many of them will involve broccoli, which my husband WILL EAT AND LIKE if he knows what's good for him. I'm fairly sure that he will lose more weight than I will without even trying, and another goal I have is to try and not be bitter about this fact.

I have also downloaded the Couch to 5K app for my iPhone and am super psyched to use it. However, I also have a TV and a DVD player in the room where my elliptical machine is, so watching the first season of The Wire may win out. I realize at some point I may need to venture out and actually RUN, like on pavement, but it's January and it just snowed and I live in New England so cut me some slack. I also need to buy myself some new sneaks before I start putting my feet to the ground, so there's that. Hmm, I feel like maybe this is a bigger deal than i'm realizing.  But I'M DETERMINED! AND WRITING IN ALL CAPS JUST PROVES THAT, RIGHT?

Stay tuned, friends.

Christmas Cookie Baking Extravaganza 2010

Okay, so that title is pretty misleading, because I only baked four different types of cookies, but when you have a 7-month-old baby to attend to at the same time, trust me, it's an event. My husband's presence definitely made it possible, as did numerous nap times.  But, by Sunday evening the baking had come to an end and I had some pretty cute, delicious cookies to show for it.

First, on Friday afternoon, Lena and I went to the grocery store to buy the supplies. It was a big deal because it was the first time she rode in the actual shopping cart, and she even held my list for me.

By the end of our adventure, the list was pretty soggy from spending most of the trip in her mouth. 

After we got home, I started to bake. I don't know what it is about me, but no matter how hard I try, my kitchen always looks like a disaster area about 30 seconds into the baking process.

I am totally serious about hiring someone to clean up after me, because I HATE doing dishes after baking. All those bowls and measuring cups and sifters and wooden spoons and KitchenAid attachments, OY VEY. If anyone is interested, e-mail me your resume and salary requirements.

I'm not going to post photos of all the cookies I baked because frankly, I was covered in flour and sticky dough and didn't want to get my phone dirty. But I did manage to take a few photos. Here are the Italian Anise cookies (my fave!). They turned out to be super yummy, and every time I make them I think of my grandma, because those are the cookies I most associate with her and Christmas time.

I also made Chocolate Caramel Cookies with Sea Salt, and Raspberry Ribbons, both also very good. I sampled quite a few of them. *BURP* But my favorites were these Peanut Butter Christmas Mice!

The photo quality is pretty poor, but you get the idea. They are just plain peanut butter cookies, but decorating them was SO fun, and I think they are adorable. I plan on making these a holiday tradition, and I think little Lena will really enjoy baking them with me when she's older. As it was, she was pretty interested in them and I had to hold her back from grabbing them off the counter. I mean, come on. The licorice tails? Could you die?

Anyway, I might not be able to post again before Christmas, but we are all heading down to Virginia in the blue Honda CR-V sleigh to visit the in-laws. It will be Lena's longest car trip yet, so wish us luck! I'm already plotting some of my posts for the New Year. I love starting fresh.

Happy Holidays to everyone!