I feel the need to preface this post with an apology for not having posted anything on this blog since last July. For a while I really wasn't inspired to write anything, or maybe it was just that I didn't feel like sharing. I don't know. I even thought maybe I would call it a day with this blog. That changed on Sunday night when I HAD to write about what I was feeling, and I only decided today that I wanted to post it. So here ya go.
Today was one of those days as a mom that I wish I could have bottled and saved so that I could open it up later in my life when I need it the most. It wasn't all that remarkable for any particular reason, but when I was putting Lena to bed tonight I realized I was truly sad to be leaving her for 12 hours, even though we would both be sleeping just down the hall from one another. Most nights when I put her to bed, i'm happy to have a few hours to myself to decompress and have some kid-free time. But tonight I was just filled up with love for this little person that I thought I might lose it. I closed the door to her room and felt like crying for all that I would lose in the future, and laughing at the sheer joy of getting to be her mom, and punching the wall with anger that none of it would last. And God, that's such a sad way of looking at it, but only parenthood can open your eyes to how fleeting these moments are. A smile in the sunlight is suddenly a door slamming in your face; a cuddle on the couch before bed turns into a broken curfew and watching for headlights coming down the street. When I first found out I was having a girl, I was honestly terrified. Because my brain fast forwarded to her teenage years, and then I remembered my own teenage years, and not only did I not want her to have to deal with the angst I did, but I had no idea how I would be a good mom to a teenage girl, STILL not knowing the answers to a lot of the questions I had back then. But now that Lena is almost 2, my whole perspective on having a daughter has changed. I am painfully aware that it wasn't the teen years I should have feared---it was the childhood years passing by before I could register that they had happened.
Part of me wants to write down the events of today so that I can remember them perfectly later, but it wasn't anything of consequence, really. Just a gorgeous, cloudless day, and a kid that loves bubbles and nature and running like she could do it forever. And an hour of pure bliss with my daughter in my arms, contentedly watching her favorite cartoon while I stroked her soft, honey-colored hair, her head tilting up to look at me every so often, just to make sure I was still there. I'm sure my specific memories of this day will eventually fade, so what I choose to never forget about today is how fiercely and purely I love this girl. Mommy's Baby.