I Hope it Keeps Up...

Fleeting

I feel the need to preface this post with an apology for not having posted anything on this blog since last July. For a while I really wasn't inspired to write anything, or maybe it was just that I didn't feel like sharing. I don't know. I even thought maybe I would call it a day with this blog. That changed on Sunday night when I HAD to write about what I was feeling, and I only decided today that I wanted to post it. So here ya go.

Today was one of those days as a mom that I wish I could have bottled and saved so that I could open it up later in my life when I need it the most. It wasn't all that remarkable for any particular reason, but when I was putting Lena to bed tonight I realized I was truly sad to be leaving her for 12 hours, even though we would both be sleeping just down the hall from one another. Most nights when I put her to bed, i'm happy to have a few hours to myself to decompress and have some kid-free time. But tonight I was just filled up with love for this little person that I thought I might lose it. I closed the door to her room and felt like crying for all that I would lose in the future, and laughing at the sheer joy of getting to be her mom, and punching the wall with anger that none of it would last. And God, that's such a sad way of looking at it, but only parenthood can open your eyes to how fleeting these moments are. A smile in the sunlight is suddenly a door slamming in your face; a cuddle on the couch before bed turns into a broken curfew and watching for headlights coming down the street. When I first found out I was having a girl, I was honestly terrified. Because my brain fast forwarded to her teenage years, and then I remembered my own teenage years, and not only did I not want her to have to deal with the angst I did, but I had no idea how I would be a good mom to a teenage girl, STILL not knowing the answers to a lot of the questions I had back then.  But now that Lena is almost 2, my whole perspective on having a daughter has changed. I am painfully aware that it wasn't the teen years I should have feared---it was the childhood years passing by before I could register that they had happened.

Part of me wants to write down the events of today so that I can remember them perfectly later, but it wasn't anything of consequence, really. Just a gorgeous, cloudless day, and a kid that loves bubbles and nature and running like she could do it forever. And an hour of pure bliss with my daughter in my arms, contentedly watching her favorite cartoon while I stroked her soft, honey-colored hair, her head tilting up to look at me every so often, just to make sure I was still there. I'm sure my specific memories of this day will eventually fade, so what I choose to never forget about today is how fiercely and purely I love this girl.  Mommy's Baby.

The Way They Would Have Wanted It

Often times, when a nearby relative comes to visit us, they comment on the renovations we've done to the house, and ask me what I think my grandparents would have thought about the changes we made. In all honestly, it's nearly impossible for me to answer that question. But here's what I do think about.

My daughter Lena (their great-grandaugter) eats all her meals by the picture window in the kitchen where they used to eat their meals together, every day. And every morning she looks out that same window at all the wildlife that my grandpa used to love to nurture, and she already seems to appreciate it in the same way.

My parents look after Lena here during the day while my husband and I work, just like my grandparents did for me. They get to watch her grow and learn and explore this house, just as I did when I was little. I see Lena's grandparents adore her and shower her with as much love as is humanly possible, and it fills this house with joy on a daily basis.

We now sleep as a family in the same bedroom that my grandmother took her last breath in. Although that may seem creepy to some, to me, it is a sign that life continues in all it's cyclical, poetic beauty.

I always knew my grandparents wanted me to live in this house someday. They told me so ever since I was old enough to understand. But I never knew why it was so important to them until now. But now, I get it. It hit me like a ton of bricks recently, because I realized that I now have the life they always wanted for me. 

So yes, everything in this house is the way they would have wanted it.

What I've Been Up To

I must apologize for the month-long blog absence. The last few weeks have just been bonkers for me. I feel like I have had maybe 2 hours total to myself, which is probably equal to the cumulative number of minutes i've spent in the shower during the past month. So, here's what's been going on in my world. 

My friend Alicia came to visit for a week and the day after she arrived, we "ran" the 5K together. Remember all the fuss I made about running the 5K, and training really hard and being a bad-ass?  Yeah, well, that plan kind of didn't work out. This winter was a bitch and I couldn't really get outside to run like I wanted to, and I don't have a treadmill, and, oh yeah, I have a BABY and all of those factors put together did not equal a regimented training schedule. I exercised when I could, but I honestly did not feel prepared when the time came, and I kind of freaked out about it. And it also turned out that my husband couldn't watch the baby during the time we were scheduled to run, so we took her with us to the run and I didn't have a jogging stroller so anything over a slow jog was too much for it to handle.  So we ran a little bit, but ultimately ended up walking at a brisk pace the whole time. It was a gorgeous day and Lena enjoyed it immensely and it was by the beach and I was with one of my closest friends, so I can't complain. I admit, I felt kind of like a giant failure for not following through on the training plans i'd made, but we ended up finishing the race in under 45 minutes, so it was still an accomplishment and i'm going to say i'm proud of us and leave it at that. 

After the race, looking our VERY best.

During that week that Alicia was here, we spent a good deal of time planning Lena's 1st birthday party. If you head on over to Food Lush you can read all about our cake adventures, which turned out to be a rousing success. And honestly? If Alicia hadn't been here i'm almost certain there would have been a sobbing, hysterical, last minute grocery store run to buy an already made-cake. Alicia brought a ton of adorable decorations and seriously helped make the party a wonderful success. The birthday girl had a blast, and loved the attention. She also got a giant stuffed lion the size of a golden retriever from her mom and dad. We couldn't resist. She hugs it and loves on it something fierce, and every time she sees it she says, "ROAR!"

About a DAY before the party, our 15-by-15 foot stone patio in our backyard was completed, and it is definitely an improvement over the giant mud pit that used to be there.

We also treated ourselves to a full landscaping makeover, which made our property look SO nice and now we're not "those" people on the street anymore.  You know, the one house that brings down everyone else's property value simply by having unmowed grass and unwieldly shrubs. Oh and right about now is when the dogwood trees in our front yard start blooming and the azaleas begin busting out and I wish it was May all year long.

Hmm, what else happened? A friend of mine from high school and his wife had their first child, a boy! And some other friends of mine in Virginia had their first child, a girl! And some other friends of mine are expecting their first child any day now, a yet-to-be-discovered gender! Babies everywhere, man. And I just found out last night that one of my very close friends is buying a house only 20 minutes from where we live, which means lots of good times ahead with him and his wife and adorable little boy. So i'm super psyched about that.

Oh yeah, and did I mention my daughter turned A YEAR OLD??? What the....? How the hell....? Argh.

Welcome to my Pity Party. Care for a Drink?

So here I am, sitting home alone, my baby girl upstairs asleep (for the moment), while my husband has been put up in a hotel 15 minutes away so that he can easily get to his office in the morning to work on some ridiculous time-sensitive project that I really don't understand or care about. All I care about is that a blizzard is about to hit us in Connecticut, and right now they're predicting 18-24 inches for our area which means I will not be leaving the house for the next few days, and who knows when my husband will be able to make it back home again. He came home from work for about 30 minutes this evening to pack up some clothes, grab some dinner and kiss his family, and he's gone again. I know this project will only last a few weeks and then hopefully things will get better, but right now I miss him and I feel lonely, so what's a girl to do except blog, blog blog. Because if I don't blog, I will snack, and thus sabotage my hopes at winning Biggest Blogging Loser (BBL). And if this next few weeks will teach me anything, it's that I need to win $1,500 so that I can rent a house on a beach somewhere this summer where neither of us will have to even THINK about work. Also? Being an adult SUCKS sometimes.

Anyway, while i'm thinking about it, my first week of BBL went really well. I limited my portion sizes and ate much, much healthier, and ended up losing almost 4 pounds in the first week.  The eating better was fairly easy, but I had intentions to exercise every night and that didn't even come close to happening. On Monday, I did 25 minutes on the elliptical machine. On Tuesday, I did 10 minutes and was then interrupted by a crying baby who would not be comforted by her daddy so I had to intervene and thus cancel my exercising plans for that evening. And....that's it. The rest of the week was too hectic and my husband didn't get home until pretty late every night and I couldn't summon the energy after 8:00 PM to work out. I just couldn't. I sort of feel like a failure in that regard, but it wasn't happening. I'm honestly getting a little worried at my aspirations to run a 5K. How am I going to do that if I can't find time to train adequately? I am hoping that once the spring comes I won't have such a problem, but right now i'm admittedly discouraged. And as i'm sitting here writing this, I am thinking that I could be taking advantage of the fact that the baby is asleep and do some Wii Fit or put in a workout DVD, but then if the baby wakes up it will all get shot to hell anyway. These are all excuses, I know. I think part of my problem is that i'm feeling overwhelmed and lonely and generally kind of bummed out (or maybe it's Seasonal Affective Disorder). So instead I sit here sipping some red wine (empty calories) and blathering away in my journal on my blog. Cheers.

On a positive note, i'm planning a post in the near future that will be much more interesting and upbeat. A Martha Stewart--inspired Laundry Closet Re-Do, complete with before and after photos! That is, if I am ever able to dig myself out from two feet of snow to get to Target to purchase necessary Laundry Closet makeover items. Woe is me.

Christmas Cookie Baking Extravaganza 2010

Okay, so that title is pretty misleading, because I only baked four different types of cookies, but when you have a 7-month-old baby to attend to at the same time, trust me, it's an event. My husband's presence definitely made it possible, as did numerous nap times.  But, by Sunday evening the baking had come to an end and I had some pretty cute, delicious cookies to show for it.

First, on Friday afternoon, Lena and I went to the grocery store to buy the supplies. It was a big deal because it was the first time she rode in the actual shopping cart, and she even held my list for me.

By the end of our adventure, the list was pretty soggy from spending most of the trip in her mouth. 

After we got home, I started to bake. I don't know what it is about me, but no matter how hard I try, my kitchen always looks like a disaster area about 30 seconds into the baking process.

I am totally serious about hiring someone to clean up after me, because I HATE doing dishes after baking. All those bowls and measuring cups and sifters and wooden spoons and KitchenAid attachments, OY VEY. If anyone is interested, e-mail me your resume and salary requirements.

I'm not going to post photos of all the cookies I baked because frankly, I was covered in flour and sticky dough and didn't want to get my phone dirty. But I did manage to take a few photos. Here are the Italian Anise cookies (my fave!). They turned out to be super yummy, and every time I make them I think of my grandma, because those are the cookies I most associate with her and Christmas time.

I also made Chocolate Caramel Cookies with Sea Salt, and Raspberry Ribbons, both also very good. I sampled quite a few of them. *BURP* But my favorites were these Peanut Butter Christmas Mice!

The photo quality is pretty poor, but you get the idea. They are just plain peanut butter cookies, but decorating them was SO fun, and I think they are adorable. I plan on making these a holiday tradition, and I think little Lena will really enjoy baking them with me when she's older. As it was, she was pretty interested in them and I had to hold her back from grabbing them off the counter. I mean, come on. The licorice tails? Could you die?

Anyway, I might not be able to post again before Christmas, but we are all heading down to Virginia in the blue Honda CR-V sleigh to visit the in-laws. It will be Lena's longest car trip yet, so wish us luck! I'm already plotting some of my posts for the New Year. I love starting fresh.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

Gratitude

I recently started reading A Bloggable Life, and besides really enjoying the content of the blog, I love Sandie's most recent posts about expressing gratitude.  

She asked fellow bloggers to contribute their thoughts about what they are most thankful for in their life, both through words and photographs, and I thought I would do just that, both in the spirit of the upcoming holiday and because I generally have a lot to be thankful for. I encourage you to check out her blog and do the same, if you are so inspired.

First, I am most grateful for this man and this girl:

Through what I can only explain as divine intervention, both of them found their way into my life and I am forever changed as a result. Not only do they bring me joy I never thought possible on a daily basis, but they are both pretty snappy dressers and know how to rock a playmat.

I am grateful for this dog:

She came to us via Doggie RV all the way from Arkansas. I remember the moment I first saw her and I knew she was the one for us. She's a shelter dog through and through: unsure about meeting new people, but sweet as can be, and every day I see in her eyes how grateful SHE is to be a member of our family. I try to remember that she has a story prior to becoming our pooch, and even though she (hopefully) doesn't recall everything, it's part of who she is and I feel priveledged that I get to make the rest of her life a happy one.

I am grateful for our house:

I know, it's a little early to bring out the Christmas photos, but this was taken last year and it pretty much encapsulates the contentment and peace I feel living here. Even though it is technically an inanimate object, I consider this house a member of our family. It was built by my grandparents, and will remain in my family as long as I have anything to do with it. Their lives made it possible for my husband and daughter and I to have a place to come home to where we feel happy and safe. There is nothing more anyone can ask for in life.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Photographic Memories

I'm not sure when I became THAT mom, the one who shows people a picture of her baby without them even asking, but here I am. About 2 seconds after Lena was born, I had already put together a beautiful birth announcement on Shutterfly.com, which is my new go-to photo site for creating all means of Lena-centric stationery and gifts. I find it much easier to select christmas gifts for our parents now that they've become grandparents, because as long as there's a photo of the baby involved, I know they'll love whatever we give them. One of our go-to gifts since we got married has been a calendar of photos that my talented husband has taken throughout the year, and I think we'll definitely go that route again. There's this awesome desk calendar that i'm considering; however, now that our parents are all retired, there are definitely less desks on which to place it! Or how about a mouse pad? I might have to get one of these for myself, actually. I think my favorite, though, is this sweet ornament. I love the idea that every year when they decorate their Christmas tree, they will see the photo of their little Lena and remember her first Christmas. 

I also love receiving photo cards during the holidays! There are so many cute ones out there, but I think i've chosen this one to send out to our friends and family. I won't show you the photo we're using though, because that will spoil the surprise for the people who will be receiving a christmas card from us, many of whom read this blog! Although here's the runner up!

Retro Metro Christmas Card

Make a statement with Shutterfly Christmas photo cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

I also love the fact that I can skip trying to think of something original and interesting to write in each card; the message on these cards are short and sweet and to the point. And I love Shutterfly because they're giving me an opportunity to write about them while also giving me 50 free photo cards. If you are a blogger and want in on this action too, here's the link!